I have kind children

I have kind children. 

16 April 2022

Throughout their growing years I’ve been teaching my children to be kind to others and kind to the environment. While sometimes they still frustrate me with turning on the tap at the max, pumping the detergent more than needed and preparing food just for themselves, they’ve actually manifested their kind nature in other ways. No one is perfect but I’m very happy to say that my boys are (mostly) growing up right. So I want to take this moment to recognise a few kindness acts that they’ve done this week. 

This week the badminton tournament started. Lucas was looking forward to it but on the first day of the tournament he was made a reserve. When my husband sent me a photo of Lucas when he came back, my heart broke upon seeing how dejected he looked. He was made the ‘banana manager’ instead. There were ten bananas left at the end of the day for him to bring back. Despite it not being the day he expected, he remembered to be kind and gave the extra bananas to the school guards. I’m so proud of you, Lucas! Learning to handle disappointment and not forgetting your values. You could have easily handled the day by throwing a tantrum but you didn’t. Well done!

This was not the only incident. One day he was late coming home and he told me that his friend had to buy lunch so he waited and held his bag for him. It was raining so he walked his friend to his block before coming home. Yesterday we went out for dinner with my in-laws. Lucas was very responsible end to end. He handled the set up of the wheelchair, pushed his grandfather around, kept the wheelchair and lifted it up to the car boot, which was mighty heavy for him. Pure filial piety, I’m so proud. 

Luis, as well, has always been a considerate boy. We gave him two options of having dinner earlier but without grandparents or having dinner later after his grandfather’s accupuncture. He chose the latter because we can “spend more time as a family”. He’s also the one who set an alarm in our home phone to call yeye daily. 

Yesterday, Joanna brought Luca to our house. Luca likes Pokémon so after dinner, Luis went to make Pokémon cards to play with him. On his own accord without being asked to. 

How can I not be proud of the kind of people not children are growing up to be? I’m so proud. And I need to remind myself how great they are. I need to be less uptight. The boys are alright. I should just enjoy spending time with them and see them mould into their own person. 

Don’t let PSLE rule your lives

Don’t let PSLE rule your lives

16 April 2022

Recently Lucas’ mid year exam stress is getting to me too and I’m constantly looking at how begins he is in his revision. His nonchalance did not make it easier. 

The other night I scolded him for not caring about his exam because it might affect his chances of getting into Sota. As usual I regretted being too harsh on him after that. I reflected, that I was playing and hardly studying for my Psle in the past too, so how can I have double standards and expect him to take it seriously?

Luckily for me he hasn’t fallen asleep so I went in and apologised for scolding him. I said I shouldn’t have expected him to feel the urgency of the exam and all I asked is for him to be responsible to follow the revision schedule. 

As a parent I find it hard to balance all the emotions and responsibilities for a child in this milestone year. Focusing on the studies while still keeping the big picture that this should not define the child is way easier said than done. I can only remind myself - Just keep focusing on the goodness that your child exhibits everyday. Those are the values that are forming who they are. Psle, they’ll try their best, and we as parents also just try our best. It will be memorable but it should not define the kind of person our child is going to be. 

Wedding vows

Wedding vows 

14 June 2020

I, take you, to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. 

Wedding vows need not be fancy. Wedding vows, did you truly think about the meaning when you said it? Did you truly understand what you are promising?

Wedding vows are effortless to uphold when you first get married and when you are in love. And that’s how you feel when you have to say them for the first time. Sure, of course, needless to say, obviously. But that’s not when the wedding vows are needed. It’s like something in the pocket, that you invoke when things are not good. 

Marriage, I have learnt, takes effort to maintain. Love will not be there all the time. Care and concern, yes. Sometimes they get muddled up with love and you forget which is which. Arguments will come, it is even likely that you might fall out of love and hate each other’s guts. And that, is the time when the marriage vows should be invoked. That is the greatest purpose of marriage vows. For it is when it doesn’t come naturally, that you remember once a upon a time, that you made a vow, not a simple promise, but a vow, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish. 

This is where I think the Christian faith has done a good job. There is pre-marriage counselling, there are guidance in the bible to cherish and respect your spouse. Now I’m not a Christian but it doesn’t stop me from recognising the good things of different religions. When you get married, you may not have been matured enough to appreciate what a marriage is all about. You need guidance. Whether it comes via religion, family, culture or any other means, if more people have such guidance, then there will be happier marriages, happier children, happier society. 

Regardless of when you realise the true purpose of what you have subscribed to, it is never too late to start appreciating and executing your vows. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

Christianity or not, the truthfulness of the statement cannot be denied. No grudges, no keeping of records. Everything takes two hands to clap. Just do what you think is right, and hopefully one day, the marriage vows will go back to an effortless state, until death do us part. 

Easy eggless alcohol-free Tiramisu

My mom's 79th birthday was approaching and we were going to celebrate it at my brother's house. And this time she requested a homemade instead of store-bought cake! What a surprise, considering my mum is the most fussy food critic I have ever met. She must have been impressed by my chocolate banana cake!

Anyhow I was lazy yet I didn't want to disappoint my mum, so I thought of Tiramisu. As usual The Baking Biatch came to my rescue (or rather I went to her blog for help). Her recipe is so simple and delicious. I made some tweaks cos' I really wanted an easy way out, also made a chocolate version for the kids. Both were good.

Edit 16 May 2020: 

We are 3/4 into SG circuit breaker because of Covid-19. I bought tiramisu ingredients because Luis brought up a couple of times that I said I would teach him how to make this dessert.

When reading this post I realised that this was the last birthday that we celebrated for my mother. I’m glad that I documented it. 

Anyway after reading all my sad posts about my mother I decided to clean up this page since the original instructions/ingredients were too much. 

 This was the tiramisu that I brought to my mother’s house to celebrate her birthday. Very ugly but I’m keeping the picture here for remembrance. 

 

Recipe adapted from: http://www.thebakingbiatch.com/2013/06/eggless-tiramisu.html

Makes 2 tabao kind of containers. Make sure to use the tall type because 3 layers reaches the brim. 

Otherwise just use any other containers. Just note that this recipe below uses about 48 fingers, which means about 24 fingers per container. There are three layers and because the container widens at the top, I used 6 fingers on the first layer and by the third layer I used 8 fingers. 

But it’s no problem if you use other containers. Before you start you just need to line your first base with fingers to count and gauge how many fingers you need and how many layers you can make. 

 

 

INGREDIENTS:

I made one coffee and one non-coffee container of tiramisu. Total two containers. 

Coffee: 

- 2 packets of Nescafé cuppucino, Make into 2.5 cups for one container worth of fingers. 

 

For non-coffee:  

- I used milo kosong and hot chocolate before. Whichever you like. Also 2.5 cups for the other container of fingers. 

 

Cream mixture:
- 500g mascarpone cheese

- 10 tablespoons whipping cream

- 4 tablespoons icing sugar (I used non- dairy cream which is already sweetened therefore 4 tablespoons of sugar is sufficient)

- 2 teaspoons of vanilla essence

 

Sponge base:
- 45 lady finger biscuits

This is from Cold Storage, there are 60 fingers inside so you will have excess. 

Others
- Roughly 3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder

 

HOW:

 

1) Make the coffee and milo, pour each into a plate that is big enough for dipping. Let them cool down. 

2) Whip the whipping cream until you get stiff peaks

3) Put the mascarpone cheese into a big bowl. Use a spatula and mash it to make it soft-ish. Add icing sugar and vanilla essence. Mix with spatula till well combined.

4) Add the whipped cream to the cheese mixture and mix well. 

Get all your ingredients together. Now you are ready to assemble. 

5) Dip a biscuit into the coffee and turn it around in the coffee once then remove swiftly to put into container. (It won’t be soft yet but resist the temptation to roll more times! I tried rolling 3 times and the end result is a soggy tiramisu cake.) Repeat till you complete one layer.

6) Spoon 2-2.5 tablespoonfuls of cream mixture on top of the first layer and spread evenly. Not too much else you don’t have enough cream mixture for the other layers. 

7) Sift cocoa powder on top of cream. 

8) Repeat 5-7 two more times. As the container widens towards the top:

First layer: 6 fingers, 2 heaped tbsp of cream

Second layer: 7 fingers, 2.5 heaped tbsp of cream

Third layer: 8 fingers, 3 heaped tbsp of cream

9) Chill in fridge for at least 6 hours, preferably overnight. 

Hi mummy, Luis broke his bone.

Hi mummy, Luis broke his bone. 

28 May 2019 Tuesday

On this day after completing a WSH course I received a call from my elder son that his brother broke his bone when he jumped down from the slide. I thought he was exaggerating but it was true, confirmed by my husband who was luckily at home during that time. 

Rushed down to Mount Alvernia Hospital while simultaneously checking the insurance coverage. Side note - the Singapore MRT System is understatedly fast and well connected, I travelled from Joo Koon and reached the hospital within an hour. 

In pain but still have not cried so far. I didn’t know then that his bone was totally broken. Very brave boy. 

Now you can gasp. Not only is the bone now bones, the lower part is also twisted which could not be seen here. 

The doctors did not suppress their reactions. He needed surgery asap. When the ortho doctor came and said that if he can’t reset it then he has to open him up, my poor boy finally burst out and cried. The doctor was reassuring then that nonetheless it’s a totally fixable situation. 

By then it was almost 10pm and partly because we gave Luis food, the surgery will take place next morning at 7.30am. Luis was in pain, he was given ibuprofen to lessen the pain. Finally fell asleep near 12am. He stayed on his back but with a few subconscious short cries when it was painful. He even opened his eyes once and gave me a smile before falling back to sleep. I’m so proud of my son, in good spirits despite the situation. 

Next morning Lucas called me before 7am from school and asked how is Luis. Sweet Lucas is worried about Luis. I woke Luis up so the brothers could talk on the phone. Shortly after the nurses came to move him. They wanted to move him into another bed but Luis protested loudly and insistently because of the pain. Again I’m happy that he could advocate for himself. I felt guilty that I didn’t stand up for him more, and then told myself that I shall not be a weak mother again. 

Finally we reached the operating theatre. Luis was abit scared, I tried to reassure him. I was fine all along but when he went under the gas mask and gradually slept due to the anaesthesia, my heart broke for him. Almost could not talk when it was time for me to leave. I guess my face said it all as the nurses and doctors kept reassuring me that they will take care of him. 

Surgery was successful, no opening up. 

Just out of surgery, little groggy. The little man had 3 wires inside him now. 

So the doctor now said that he hasn’t seen such a serious case in 3 years and it’s the first time he put 3 wires instead of 2. I’m glad he didn’t say these before the surgery. 

Lucas called again during recess to ask if he can visit Luis immediately after school. He was worried about his brother, just that he couldn’t recognise it. I told him that we will bring him during the afternoon. 

We stayed for two nights and Luis had visits from the family and the school principal. Fortunately for the Cartoon Network and the great food, he enjoyed his stay at the hospital. Even Lucas ate two meals there. Luis also asked a few times why he has so many presents. 

Brothers pretending they are on a spaceship. Watching Teen Titans Go on Cartoon Network.

Finally on the second day Luis was able to get off the drip and go for his X-ray before confirming he could go home. 

Walking to the imaging room for his X-ray. 

Bones in the right place now. Doctor said it could be better. But I’m already impressed that he moved them back in place without opening him up at all. 

Next day Luis prepared breakfast for me. 

With the juice and bread from the hospital. Lol...

Practicing writing with his left hand. 

I am grateful that all turned out well at the end of the day. It was a memorable experience that he now thinks back happily. The experience in the hospital was actually good! Total bill came up to under $15k, thank goodness I bought good insurance for both boys in 2016 following Lucas MRI incident. Luis went through the whole experience with courage and good spirits. For that I’m proud of him. Well done, Luis. 

It goes away but it’s always there

Funny how emotions work. 

I haven’t thought about my Ma for a long time. There I am, sitting on the bench in the gym, drying my feet after shower and staring blankly in front of me. Someone left a water bottle and lotion behind. The lotion tube looks familiar and then I remember. 

One time Ma and I were in a pharmacy. Why and which one I don’t remember. But a salesgirl targeted my Ma and sold her a moisturiser that can reduce black spots or make her skin better. I don’t even remember the details. But I remember that I thought Ma is already so old and why this matters. It’s a side of my Ma that I seldom see. My Ma thinking of herself and not her children. My Ma buying something for herself to make herself happy. 

And I wanted to cry at the memory because I miss her. And so I did. It’s been four years now, and I miss you, Ma. The other day I have forgotten how I used to greet you and I sounded it out but it felt unfamiliar. 

The sadness, the missing.  It goes away but it comes back and catches you off guard. 

Apple pie-like bread

Apple pie-like bread (vegan)
26 March 2019

I had difficulties naming this because it's neither apple pie nor bread pudding. I had too much bread left and I wanted to make bread pudding but I don't like the sogginess of it. So I created this. Smells and tastes like apple pie, bread was not soggy. You can tweak the sweetness with the amount of honey and raisins you add. I found mine a tad sweet so I have reduced the honey from 1.5 to 1 tablespoon below. 
Note though that there is nothing holding the shape so it will fall apart after you bake it. If you want it to be presentable, you can consider making it in a cupcake cases so you can eat directly out of it. Overall it's a will-make-it-again kind of recipe for me.


Makes 1 round 8-inch cake pan.

INGREDIENTS

For the base and filling

• About 6 slices of bread
• 2 apples (I used 1 apple and 1 pear, that's what I had)
• 1/3 cup raisins
• 1 tablespoon of honey
• 2 teaspoons of cinnamon
• 1 cup of soya milk
• 1/2 cup of water/soya milk (for adjustment to be added only at the end when all are mixed together, depending on whether you have enough excess liquid to wet the bottom layer of bread)

For the topping

• 1 cup of regular rolled oats
• 3 tablespoons of brown sugar
• 1/4 cup of olive oil
• 1/8 teaspoon of salt

METHOD

1. Cut off the sides of the bread.
2. Line the bottom of the cake pan, should use about 2-3 slices.
3. In a big bowl, mix the remainder of the bread and all the ingredients (EXCEPT the water) together.
4. If it looks too dry, add the amount of water/soya milk needed so that you have about 1/2 cup excess that can be used to soak the bottom layer of bread in the cake pan.
5. Pour all into the cake pan.
6. Mix the ingredients for the topping. Put on top.
7. Bake at 165 deg C for 50 min.

New year new resolution

New year new resolution 

2nd Jan 2019

2019.

Be a better wife. 

More quality time with husband and kids. 

Be a better leader. 

Continue a healthy lifestyle. Achieve 52kg and maintain it!

Lucas' favourite porridge

Lucas' favourite porridge
2018 Oct

Over the last few weeks the boys have been coughing. So one of the weekends I decided to make porridge for them. No meat, no seasoning. Surprisingly Lucas really liked the porridge. Since then he has had it around 5 times. 

As usual I put in whatever I have in my kitchen. On one of the occasions I decided to document the recipe because the ingredients are so random and I might not be able to reproduce it in future. It's a really huge thing when your son says he likes the food you cook! And on this day Lucas said this is his favourite porridge. What luck!

Usually around here I tend to put a photo of the final product. But my pea brain must have not been working that day. One day when I make it again and my pea brain is functioning I will put the photo in!


Serves 4 bowls - think 1.5x Chinese rice bowl size.

INGREDIENTS:
- Brown rice - Approx 3/4 cup. 
A trick is to think how much each person will eat. E.g. if the person will eat a bowl of porridge, half of it will be the ingredients, half of it will be the cooked rice. Now when cooking porridge, the rice grains will more than double in size, so take away two thirds of it. So in the end you only require less than 1/4 bowl of grains per pax. Multiply the number of pax and you have the total rice amount. 

- Ikan bilis - Approx 1/2 cup
- Dried shrimps - Approx 1/2 cup
- Sweet potato - 1
- Carrot - 1
- Celery - 1 stick
- Broccoli - a handful

Note: Just go with your feel on what and how much of each ingredient you want to put. I sometimes add 1 potato too but I ran out of potato that day. I think I also added tomato before...Let your creative juices flow!


METHOD:
1) Chop up all the ingredients. 

2)Wash rice two times. Yell for the children to come and take the rice water to the plants.

3) Put rice in a pot and fill it with 4 times the amount of water. Remember you need to allow for evaporation. Put on high heat.


4) Wash the ikan bilis and then you see, I have this neat little teabag meant for tea but I use it for putting the ikan bilis. The ikan bilis is not tasty nor easy to chew after being boiled for long and I feel they make the broth bitter if I leave them in for too long. So this little bag allows me to remove them from the pot easily after a while.

5) Wash and add the dried shrimps.

6) Wait 5 minutes. I don't know if it works but I am allowing the ikan bilis and dried shrimps flavour to be released into the pot before I add the other ingredients.

*At any one time when the pot starts to boil, turn it to low heat.


7) Add the sweet potato and carrots.

8) Wait 5 minutes. I am allowing the sweet potato and carrots to soften and the rice grains to expand beyond normal rice size. 

** When the ikan bilis look like they have expanded and completely been soaked, remove them.


9) Add celery and broccoli. These are last because they are the softest and cook fast. Plus I do not want to cook too long until the brocolli becomes yellowish.

10) Boil for another 5 minutes and turn off the heat.
Lastly I just want to rave about this pot that I bought from the petrol station many years ago. It's light and thin so it heats the contents fast. It also has a lid that I can invert, allowing me to put the spoon on top after each stirring. In this position it doesn't close completely so the contents doesn't boil over too.

Enjoy while hot or warm. My mother always says not to eat cold porridge else you will have wind in your stomach. 

A weekend in 2018 July

A weekend in 2018 July
15 July 2018

This is considered a busy Saturday and a usual Sunday.

Saturday
Morning
The boys wake up at 7 plus in the morning as usual and usually we ask them not to disturb us until 8.30am. The children ate chocolate steamed mantous for breakfast and watch OKTO in the living room.

Lucas, or I, have invited two classmates from 2I to our house at 10.30am to play Nerf guns. I woke up at 9am and ordered HonestBee groceries so that we have some drinks and snacks for the guests later.

The friends came and the boys played the nerf guns. Around 12.30pm, the pizza lunch arrived and the boys sat down to lunch. After that his friends left.

Afternoon
Lucas is into badminton and I booked a court from 2-4pm. We rested, packed and changed and then left for Yew Tee CC. The badminton courts here are normally available on Saturdays. Ethan came along this time, so we spent the two hours at the court. Lucas is getting more decent with his service and concientiously practiced. Luis is fooling around and having fun. I hurt my lower back a few weeks back and was still not recovered to properly run about. So I just played minimally with Ethan and KP.

Evening
After badminton, we headed home to shower and change. Lucas had to squeeze in his lang3du2 for Tien Hsia class the next day. After that we went to Uncle Poh's house. A few of our friends also gathered there, the main highlight for the night was durian, which was at a low price due to the low demand in the previous month due to Hari Raya. We left around 9.30pm and by the time we washed up and were ready for bed, the boys were really tired and fell asleep fast.

Sunday
Morning
KP dropped us at Tien Hsia for the 9am class. Normally I would drive to and fro but he needed the car today. I went to McDonald's to drink a cup of Cappuccino, then went to NTUC Fairprice to buy fruits. Then I went for my 10am massage at Spaze. My body was really aching for the past week and I had a good back massage.
11am I went to pick the boys up. Usually we will go straight home in the car and pass the car to KP to drive to work. But today we didn't have the car so we did some shopping. 
First we went to Giordano to purchase NDP t-shirts. Our friend, PC, had extra tickets for the preview and we were very excited. Expensive polo t-shirts at $39 each but we purchased them anyway. Next we went to Sketchers to purchase a pair of shoes for Luis. His feet were growing and the Under Armour shoes we bought in December in Sydney were getting too small. He chose a black pair, like Lucas' school shoes. Then we went to Watson's to buy toothpaste because Lucas' toothpaste is finishing. There was a 20% off with minimum $38 spend so we bought loads of toothpaste. And I also let the boys choose a tidbit each. Lucas chose M&Ms and Luis chose Oreo. And finally the boys made a pitstop at Kiddy Palace to look at toys for 5 minutes.

Afternoon
We took the train home. I first gave the boys fruits, which I usually do before lunch. Then I quickly heated up the pizza from yesterday for lunch. Lucas also likes fresh milk with Milo powder so I made a cup each for them. Because the pizza was so small I also let them eat a banana each.
Went down for swimming at 1pm. Lucas has his class at this time. Luis and I played in the pool while waiting for his class at 2pm. Then Lucas and I played in the pool while waiting for Luis to finish. Lucas saw some older children playing with water guns so he went over to join them.
Luis finished his class and together with two other boys, they all went to the rock pool to play. 10min later we went upstairs around 3.40pm. Boys played and showered in the bathtub while I prepared the waffle batter.
Made waffle with the Giant $9.90 waffle maker. Boys ate them with maple syrup given by Eric when he recently came back from New York. Today Luis also ate it with strawberry jam. Then they took their nap. Finally I had time to rest by soaking in the tub and then watching Grey's Anatomy on Netflix.

Evening
Boys woke up at 6.30pm and I started to prepare dinner. Sunday dinners are always late around 8pm since they are really quite full from tea break. Today I cooked cauliflower fried rice. Usually they take quite long to finish and I gave them 30min to finish with a cane warning.
Now at 9.30pm, Luis is doing his K1 homework while Lucas is reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid next to me while I type this out on the computer. Soon they will go to bed around 10pm.

Half boiled eggs

Half boiled eggs

8 July 2018

I  have been eating at least two eggs a day for lunch. Sometimes I also eat them for breakfast. Luis likes half boiled eggs too. One Saturday we were at home and I was going to make the eggs for myself and Luis. I have made them before but I always do not remember how long I'm supposed to put the eggs in the water. And if it comes out too runny then I don't really like them. So here I am, documenting the very simple yet very forgettable steps so I don't have to trial and error each time.

METHOD
Note: These are for eggs that are at room temperature. I used Seng Choon eggs which are medium sized.

1) Bring a pot of water to boil.
2) When boiled, turn the fire off.
3) Put your eggs into the water and cover for 7 minutes.
4) Remove from the water and crack your eggs

You should get eggs as you see above, where there are no translucent egg whites and the egg yolks are partly runny partly solid.

Enjoy with dark or light soya sauce and a heavy dash of pepper.

Righted by Lucas

2 May 2018 Wednesday

I had a gym session last night at 8pm. Reached home to change and then Lucas wanted to go with me. KP already brought Luis to ICR earlier. 

Since Lucas already finished his homework and Luis really likes Lucas to pick him up, I thought why not. So we took the bus to J10.

The bus was very jerky. Lucas was sitting and I was standing. Feeling bitchy for some reason:

Me: next time don’t drive like this driver. It’s very jerky. 

Lucas: maybe it’s the bus, not the driver. 

Me: ..... yes you are right, maybe it’s the bus. 

My junior chefs

My junior chefs

28 Jan 2018 Sunday

Lucas 7.5 yo

Luis 5 yo

I want to capture this day before I forget it. 

So I was lying on my bed and it was around half past six. I was having a headache. The boys have woken up from their nap. Luis was playing in the living room and Lucas came in to lie down with me. I asked him if he was hungry, he said yes, I said what shall we eat and that I have a headache. I jokingly asked if he can make dinner. Then he said “Okay. Tell me one thing I can use.” I said “salad”, because thats what we have been eating for our Sunday dinners. And off he went. 

The following conversation took place:

Lucas (talking from the kitchen): Luis, I’m going to make dinner. Do you want to help me? I will cut the pomegranate and you can squeeze the orange juice (into the salad, like what he did last week).”

Luis: I’m still playing. 

Lucas: Ok you come when you are done, ok? But remember to wash your hands first because... (can’t hear the rest from the room).

I was a proud mama. Lucas is a caring boy who takes care of others. All those cooking sessions I did with them prepared them well to be independent. Of course there’s still a long way to go. 

Apart from Lucas, Luis is quite the chef too. That afternoon he made movie snacks for us. Yoghurt with frozen fruits. He was so professional, I was not allowed to add more yoghurt or do anything extra to what he was preparing. 

Starting their dinner preparation. Lucas loves pomegranate. 

The dinner. Luis loves sweet potato. He added the sweet potato left over from lunch, which he cut with his fork. 

Luis preparing our movie snack immediately after coming back from Tien Hsia, cutting banana with his fork. 

Our afternoon movie snack. By the way, we watched Monsters vs Aliens. 

Balestier road

One day our family was driving along Balestier Road and suddenly I felt a wave of sadness. It was really weird and I was wondering why. So I looked around and then I saw it. We passed by the animal hospital which we used to bring Bobby once every two days. 

How amazing, that my emotions were associated with Balestier Road at such a subconscious and deep level. It has been two years since Bobby passed away. Thinking back, those last few months of Bobby’s life were really tough. He had seizures and his subcut sessions were so painful that he sometimes howl. 

On one occasion, I brought Bobby to the Boon Lay Place vet for his subcut where he’s injected with liquid, somewhat like kidney dialysis. At the vet he had a seizure and the vet advised me to bring him to the animal hospital. I was alone and afraid he would have a seizure in the car so I requested for one of their nurses to follow me. That was the first time that we brought him to this animal hospital on Balestier Road. He had to stay there and I was crying buckets when the nurse at the reception desk asked what was the limit we want to incur if Bobby requires emergency treatment. I called my husband and he said we will pay whatever was required. What made it worse was that I had to fly to Europe for a business trip that night. At night we went to visit Bobby before I flew. Thereafter my husband visited Bobby the next two days and sent me updates of his recovery. 

That was one of the painfully memorable times. After that we often brought Bobby there for his subcut because they were fast, the nurses were helpful and they open 24 hours. Which was really important for us during that time partly because my mother was also hospitalised and my husband and I had to juggle so many things. 

When I had my realisation and I told my husband, he confided that he also thought of Bobby a while back and teared. Bobby was an important part of our lives. We adored him loads but guiltily less when the children came along. But he was always there and we see him in many of our photos and videos :)

You are the best, my dearest ‘mi mi’.

妈，生日快乐

I still miss you, though I do not think of you as much. Hope you are happy wherever you are. 

2015, the worst year of my life

I was quite kuku, i.e. silly, non-savvy, dumb, you name it. When the blogger app on my phone did not work anymore I stopped writing for a long time. I didn't even think that I could download another app. Now that I finally came around I can put down my thoughts again. 

Yeah it's another down post, next one will be happier I promise. 
2015 is by far the worst year of my life, I have never experienced depression for such a long time before. It has not been easy to document this, thinking back on it was painful. But now that time has passed, some wounds have healed.

When year 2015 started, I was hyped. I was ready to perform. My manager then asked me to head up another section on top of my current role. I was apprehensive but I decided to do it to challenge myself. 

However in early Feb my mom was hospitalised. This time it was unlike other times. Things moved so fast. While in hospital she almost died two times. I made daily trips to the hospital. Specifically three trips a day. Morning before work, during lunch and after work. 

And work was not smooth sailing. In my current section I had two resignations and I had to recruit new people. I consciously told myself that my focus was my mother and it didn't matter if I did not perform that year. 

The second 'almost died' time, mother went into a coma and could not wake up. I sort of guessed the end was coming because she was groggy and responded less and less over the past two days. But I still cried so hard when the doctor told me that she is likely to pass very soon. So hard that my head ached. And my heart ached. It was already not an unfamiliar feeling by that time. I didn't know that heart ache can be literal. 

But things turned around the day after she was given the death sentence. She woke up. 

However not all the way around. Mother went home but was not fully well and went back to hospital three weeks later. It was too much and mother passed away in May. 

While I was glad that her suffering was short, this did not take away my sadness. For a long time I woke up crying everyday. Meanwhile Bobby was not well too. He had a few seizures and was getting weaker. But I was not ready to put him down. 

Eventually Bobby also passed away in September. I was still so heartbroken about my mother that I could not feel the full force of sadness for Bobby. 

In between I had a new staff whom I did not confirm her probation. What was complicated was that she was pregnant. When I told her I could not confirm her she was apologetic that she did not perform. I said I will help to get her maternity benefits. But my HR was the worst ever. In short things turned nasty and HR was the doubleheaded snake. My manager didn't understand and asked me why I didn't reach out. I couldn't tell him. I would have lost. 

I started to think what I want out of life. I reached my mid-career crisis earlier than should have been. I struggled big time, this was a topic that took three months to think about. I tried to look outside for another job, any job. Even considered quitting without a job first but that was too risky. At the end I decided to ask to step down and that was the best decision I've made in a long time. 

Looking back, I've come a long way since 2015. Learn from the pain, appreciate the people who love you and whom you love. Relax, take things easy. Forgive. Be happy. 

Kidzania Sunday

I was still on a quest to bond with the boys. The awfully expensive Kidzania tickets were expiring in a few weeks' time. It was a Sunday right after the March school holidays. All factors were in favour of bringing the kids to Kidzania. So we left the house at 8.15am on Sunday. 

I like to pat myself on the shoulder because the day I chose was so good that according to my friend who brought her daughter there with us, it was not crowded at all. The boys had a lot of fun.

Lucas. He smiled and laughed. The unrestricted without any worries type. How I have missed that. He hasn't been so happy in a long time. 

Luis. He was less comfortable and the poor boy was tired by 12pm. But he enjoyed too. Luis was so cute he made me want to keep on hugging and carrying him. 

But what touched me most was Lucas. I just want him to be a happy boy. On Monday he was very tired in the morning. But the happiness lasted. He held my hand on the way while walking to school. The last few weeks he sometimes didn't want to do that. Parenting needs effort. Today a parent said that being down for too long leads to depression. I can't let Lucas be that. I'm so glad that I brought them to Kidzania. And I will spend more quality time with my boys. 

Some things can't be taught

I was on my way home when I heard a loud grandpa voice, "要不要去金文泰吃了才回?". He was asking his grandson if they should have dinner outside before going home. The young man, probably of secondary school age, told in a soft embarrassed voice "不要紧”. Never mind. Because it was soft and the grandpa's hearing was not good, the same two liners repeated two more times. 

I guess that the young man brought his grandpa to the doctor's and they were on the way home. It reminded me of the times that I brought my mother to see the doctor. Because she had a whole list of chronic diseases she had many trips to the hospital each month. My siblings and I split the appointments among us. 

When I was younger in university or when I first started out to work, each time I brought my mother we made a nice trip out of it. After the visit we would go for a nice meal or shop at the supermarket. My mother enjoyed it. When I got older I started to be grumpy. I showed my black face to my mother at times and also was unresponsive to my mother. Especially when she got into the car and kept on complaining about things. When I don't respond she could feel my grumpy mood and didn't talk as much. 

You hear many times that we should cherish our parents. But it doesn't sink in. If I can bring my mother again, I'll do whatever it takes to make her happy. I won't show her my black face. I'll take the whole day off to spend with her. 

But some things can't be taught. Unfortunately. Some things can be learnt only when you feel the pain. You can't reverse the clock. I looked at the grandpa and young man, who has whipped out his smart phone. The grandpa took out a $5 note and tapped on his grandson's shoulder. The grandson lifted his head from his phone but ignored the grandpa and went back to his phone. Grandpa put the money back into his wallet and looked away. 

A weekday in 2017

A weekday in 2017 

March 22nd, Wednesday

Lucas is in Primary One, Luis is in N2, husband is still in his same job since 10 years ago and I'm on my second month probation in my new company. 

Morning

Sometimes Lucas wakes up at 6.30am probably due to hearing our helper Jona in the kitchen. Then he will come to our bed and lie there for 10min. Today he didn't, maybe because he has been sleeping late at 10-10.30pm. My phone alarm went off at 6.30am and I slept till 6.40am. Went to Lucas' room and woke him up. 

He's not the lazing type. He wakes up in a few seconds and stands up to go eat breakfast. He had two slices of bread with honey and then asked for a third. 

I had a slice of bread with honey and a cup of newly bought detox tea. 

Usually I would have tried to skip breakfast for weight loss reasons but Lucas asked me to eat breakfast with him so we've been having breakfast in semi darkness (he doesn't like the lights on!) for weeks now. 

Then I go get ready and he goes get ready with Jona's help. This part, he's slow. 

Uttered, scolded, shouted a few "hurry up". This is usual ritual. He went into a bad mood I went into a bad mood. This is unfortunately usual too. 

7.15am - we left the house. Walked to school. At the gate I usually say "bye bye Lucas" and he will say "bye bye". I wonder why it's so hard to add "mummy" at the end. 

I then walked to the MRT station. Super crowded. Sometimes I need to wait for a train or two before I could get in. Reached office around 8.10am. 

Afternoon

Is not much to write about. Except on this day I called home and asked Lucas if he wanted to go jogging with me in the evening. These days I sometimes get guilty because I always scold him. I'm becoming like my mother. One of my childhood memories about my mother is that she scolded me everyday. 

Evening

It's important to keep your promises. While on the train at 6plus, Lucas called to ask where I was. And that Luis also wanted to go. Lucas will scoot and Luis will jog. 

Reached home and the boys wanted to show me a funny segment on Moana, which they played on the Apple TV in our room. I laid down and was so tired. Regretted promising to jog but you know, it's important to keep your promises. 

Off we go to the canal. 

 

Oh yeah he changed his mind from jogging to riding his balance bike. 

Turned left and halfway before we reached the end Luis wanted to go back. He said he was perspiring. So Lucas and I brought him back and then Luis asked "Mummy can you come back quickly?". I said it will take a while because Lucas and I are going to jog. 

Then Lucas said "let's just go two rounds (he meant to the end and back) because Luis wants us to come back quickly." Good brother. 

After reaching the end I was wasted. It's no fun jogging after a boy on scooter. It's sprinting. But Lucas is good company, he will go forward and then he will turn back or slow down to wait for me. 

When we reached the end the Gain City building had lights and he wanted to take a video for Luis. Then we turned left instead of going back the way we came. I wanted to bring him back another route just for fun. 

I think he liked it because it was like an adventure. We went straight then we reached the junction I asked if we should go straight or turn left. He looked around and identified a mini mart near our house so we turned left. Then we came upon a coffee shop. Asked him if he wanted to sit at the coffee shop and have a drink. He said he wanted to buy a cold drink back and drink with Luis. I said we will buy one after, from the mini mart next door because it's cheaper. 

He chose a white grape drink because daddy bought it for him once and it was nice. I ordered a sour plum drink. Then he decided not to drink his so he can bring it home and share with Luis. 

So he drank mine. 

 

After finishing the drink we headed back. Again we reached a junction and this time I was also unsure. We went straight. It was more like a guess. Saw a camera mounted on a lamp post and he asked why it's round and does it only capture the ground. Explained to him the round shape allows the camera to capture the view all around. 

Oh yeah it was the right way. 

Reached home finally. He shared his drink with Luis. 

 

 I looked through his bag and found that he had Chinese homework which he didn't know about. 

Did homework. 

 

By this time it's 9.30pm. I was ready to take a slow shower and rest. But Lucas wanted me to let him sleep. Scolded some but he won't budge. So I showered and then let him sleep. He was so tired he fell asleep fast. And then I'm guilty again for scolding him. 

I need to stop the scolding. Build some bonding. And pay more attention to Luis. Do better, mommy. 

French toast

French toast

I have been thinking about my mother's French toast. Hers is usually sweet but not all pieces are equally sweet and you can't tell which are the good ones. So I will keep eating till I get a good one. Not good for the waist. 

Lucas likes the French toast at Fun Toast but it's expensive. Two slices for $3. I can't bring myself to pay regularly for that. Plus I don't like French toast that are covered with egg outside but you can still see the white bread inside. Soak it through man...

French toast can be easy. According to my brother, my mother uses egg and sugar only. But my recipe below is an 'over-thought-out' one. Just tweak it the way you want! Add less, add more, go crazy... make your signature French toast. Here's mine. 

 

Makes 3-4 super-soaked-through-with-egg slices. 

INGREDIENTS

3 eggs

1/4 cup of milk

2 tablespoons of sugar

Dash of cinnamon

1 teaspoon of vanilla essence 

METHOD

1) Put all ingredients into a big bowl that allows you to dip your bread easily later. 

 

2) Beat the mixture till throughly mixed. 

3) If you like you can cut your bread first. It's fun for children, even if they butchered the bread you can still dip them. No wastage. 

 

4) Get a flat base pan, use low heat and add oil. Without oil the bread burns too fast. 

 

5) Dip your bread. This is the step that determines how much you want to soak your bread. I dip each slice just before putting onto the pan. 

 

6) Drop the bread into the pan. Or put gently and close to the pan, it's safer :)

 

7) Fry till, well, you know, when it looks like cooked French toast the way you like it. Mine are usually abit burned. Add oil between slices as and when needed. 

8) Enjoy on its own or with butter and honey.