Saturday, 5 September 2015


 5th September 2015, Saturday 10.33pm

Today Bobby passed away. 17 years 5 months old. 

These few months we have been deciding when to euthanise him. At first I can't bring myself to do it. The wound from my mother's passing is still too fresh. Then these two weeks it became more obvious. 

Around National Day I noticed that he slept much more. Then a week later my maid said Bobby doesn't like to go downstairs anymore. When she brought him downstairs he just wanted to lie down. So we stopped his evening walks, which was already reduced from his twice daily walks. Then this Tuesday I brought Bobby to the vet for his subcut. He smelt strongly of urine, probably slept on it. So I bathed him when we came back. I figured he would feel miserable sleeping with that kind of smell. I must have hurt him accidentally because he barked, the high-pitched painful bark, during bathing. And then during the night he punctuated the night with his barks. Seemed that he could not lie down for a good sleep without feeling some sort of pain. 
That night I did not sleep well too. Each time I heard his bark my heart raced. I felt helpless. I went out after one of the barks and petted him. He laid down and slept. Seemingly ok and didn't hear him bark for a while. But then again the barks came after about an hour. 

These couple of days I prayed to Budhha to let Bobby go painlessly. This morning I asked Buddha for mercy for Bobby. 请释迦摩尼佛大慈大悲。

This morning we didn't go out. Our friends came with their children. I already stopped buying the KD diet for Bobby, I wanted to let him enjoy his last meals. I steamed rice and chicken thigh for him. I carried Bobby to his food. He ate half, then started slanting his head to the right. I was concerned why that was happening and held him, slowly letting him lie down. I thought he might be going into a seizure again. He didn't, and he put his head on my lap. I petted him briefly and stayed like that for a while. Then I busied myself and we all went downstairs to the pool. Later PC came down and told me that Bobby ate his lunch halfway and collapsed. By the time I went upstairs he was already gone. From the maid's description it sounded like a heart attack. 

Thinking of Bobby now I can't help but cry. Actually it was a relief that he passed away. Did he hear me telling him to go? Did we feel the same way about his mortality? But nonetheless there is a tinge of sadness. 

Bobby. You are a good dog. You brought us so much joy. You took a good chunk of my heart and memories. I love you so much. You are my first dog, and probably my last too. I hope you are in doggy heaven and happy and without pain now. You are the best dog. Ever.  
Run Bobby, run. 

Bobby Tan Ah Mi
23 April 1998 to 5 September 2015

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

100 days

1st September 2015, Tuesday 10.51pm

Today is the 100th day after my mother passed away. I don't cry as often and I don't think of her as often. Every week still, perhaps every 2-3 days, but not everyday. 

Different things come up in my thoughts now. For instance, I probably miss her so much because I am guilty for not seeing her two days before she passed away. It's not because I'm closer or more filial to her compared to my siblings. Also, my mother probably felt least close to me of all her children. She could confide in my sister things that she did not tell me. My brother was also good to her. I am the only one who scolded her often. I also did not engage in heart to heart talks with  her. 

My insensitivity as a person, I realise, probably impacted my relationship with my mother. This insensitivity, which I am sometimes foolishly proud of because I am not afraid to bring my awkward subjects, is not great all the time. 

Today is the 100th day my mother is gone. Is it for better or worse? As Buddha says, no one knows. You never know. I miss her. It's so true, how some things you start to regret only when a person is not around. A fact that you think you understand but actually you don't, until you experience it. I regret a lot of things, I regret my spiteful and inconsiderate actions, words, body language, thoughts that I inflicted on my mother when she was around. If only she can hear my apology. 

Today is also my brother's and my birthday. We went to his place tonight for celebration with the children. Without mother around it takes extra effort to keep the siblings in touch. I don't wish for much, I just wish for my mother to enter my dreams. Well, and to find a job that I can be happy with.