Friday, 21 August 2015

Feeling as a failure

It just struck me, or I only just realised, that when I feel stressed from work, this feeling is so overwhelming that it stops me from having other feelings? It can consume me so much. 

That day I received an email with 'points for discussion' as the subject title from my manager. After I read the content my emotions for the next two days has been set.  The content is all about my failing as a manager and also tracking of a deliverable. I know what he is doing. He is starting to collect evidence of poor performance so that he can justify putting my performance as 'poor' at the end of the year. 

How do I describe this feeling adequately? Many things are at play. 
Last week in our bilateral I thought he was still trying to coach me so I told myself to buck up. It's disheartening to receive the email this week knowing that he already made up his mind. 
And I am not used to being a failure. This is finally happening to me. I realised recently that many people who are classified as non-performers now were actually capable when they were younger. Why have they gone to the other side? One is because they did not evolve with the job requirements. The other is because they reached a position that is past their ability. I think I belong to the second group. I suck at being a manager. Some things I simply don't know that I have to do. 

Anyhow I was already having a tough time closing my gaps. And to receive such an email now, fight or flight? I feel like flight. But can I flee? Can I afford it? I feel stressed because I know I can't afford it. So I have to fight? Seems that I don't know how. Or is it that I now fall into the first group? 

I don't want to give my HR the satisfaction of putting me down. But I can't find a job in time to leave. I'm stuck. I should strategise. If the gaps are difficult to close, focus on strengthening other parts. Make these parts so good that as an average I can't be put down. HR is playing dirty, I hate it. 

Yesterday I read something about not letting anyone put down your soul. Stand up for yourself. I shall stand up for myself.  

Thursday, 20 August 2015

Lucas at 5 years old

20th August 2015, Thursday, 10.53pm lying in bed with all lights off and Lucas sleeping next to me. 

When Lucas is approaching this age, I start to see him display some non-child characteristics. He can be meaner, deliberating hitting his brother when he fully knows it's wrong, saying things to make his brother cry (fav is "no mummy carry for you"), or just some hand gestures that are more stylo than cute. 

But he's still by and large a sweet little boy. He still loves his cloth and sleeps with one at night. At times he still puts his arm across my shoulder when he sleeps. He still enjoys playing with cars and trains and can become very engrossed in it. And best of all he's still a happy go lucky little boy. 

For some reason yesterday I felt that my baby is really starting to grow up and starting to leave boyhood. For the first time I told him a heartfelt 'Happy birthday'. First time not because I haven't said it to him before but because he could start to show that he can feel the happiness of being wished. Hb seems to feel so too, I guess he was listening in when driving. Soon after he asked Lucas to follow him to Limbang so he can buy a toy for him. I did not object, it's his birthday and daddy also wants to show his love and do some bonding with him. 

I love you Lucas. So much that I do not know if you will ever realise how much. Perhaps one day when you are a daddy you will understand. Grow up all
You want but importantly stay happy and healthy and kind forever. 

Tuesday, 11 August 2015


Recently I am feeling down. HR berated me again. Read some of the below online and kept on reminding myself:

Busy is a choice.
Stress is a choice.
Happiness is a choice.
Choose wisely.

In every situation you make a decision. You can choose how you want to face it. You can choose to dwell, at times this is ok if it helps you to process it. But call it a day after sufficient dwelling. Choose to be positive.

Also when faced with new things:
If it's important, you will find a way.
If it's not important, you will find excuses.

There is almost nothing that is impossible. If you are afraid to do this or that, then perhaps you do not want it enough. It's not important enough. You are not hungry enough. Which is also not wrong, then don't do it! But if by not doing it you continue to feel down, then give it your all. Always go back to part 1 of making your choice wisely.


Get on with your life. Stop sulking.

Note: Above quotes are not from me! All taken from other sources online which I cannot remember, sorry!

Tuesday, 4 August 2015

Sucks to dismiss people

Totally sucks. I know it is worse for the person I am dismissing and I am not saying at all that what I feel is worse. But I just want to voice out, not to seek any understanding or sympathy from others, that this sucks.

I'm like a jerk. Upsetting other people's life and emotions. The other person is pissed. Of course will be pissed. If it's me of course I will be the same.

How do you gauge if you are doing what's right? What's right within what circle? In the circle of your managerial responsibility to the organization? Or in the circle of life in general?

Some might say this is what you have to do as a manager. Your responsibility is towards the organization.
But I remember a story of a fellow colleague. That she dismissed someone and she thought it was all amiable but the next week she came to know that he committed suicide. How do you live with this?

I don't want to live with such things. I don't want to give another dismissal if I can help it. Enough with it.