Sunday, 4 June 2017

2015, the worst year of my life

I was quite kuku, i.e. silly, non-savvy, dumb, you name it. When the blogger app on my phone did not work anymore I stopped writing for a long time. I didn't even think that I could download another app. Now that I finally came around I can put down my thoughts again. 

Yeah it's another down post, next one will be happier I promise. 
2015 is by far the worst year of my life, I have never experienced depression for such a long time before. It has not been easy to document this, thinking back on it was painful. But now that time has passed, some wounds have healed.

When year 2015 started, I was hyped. I was ready to perform. My manager then asked me to head up another section on top of my current role. I was apprehensive but I decided to do it to challenge myself. 

However in early Feb my mom was hospitalised. This time it was unlike other times. Things moved so fast. While in hospital she almost died two times. I made daily trips to the hospital. Specifically three trips a day. Morning before work, during lunch and after work. 
And work was not smooth sailing. In my current section I had two resignations and I had to recruit new people. I consciously told myself that my focus was my mother and it didn't matter if I did not perform that year. 

The second 'almost died' time, mother went into a coma and could not wake up. I sort of guessed the end was coming because she was groggy and responded less and less over the past two days. But I still cried so hard when the doctor told me that she is likely to pass very soon. So hard that my head ached. And my heart ached. It was already not an unfamiliar feeling by that time. I didn't know that heart ache can be literal. 
But things turned around the day after she was given the death sentence. She woke up. 
However not all the way around. Mother went home but was not fully well and went back to hospital three weeks later. It was too much and mother passed away in May. 

While I was glad that her suffering was short, this did not take away my sadness. For a long time I woke up crying everyday. Meanwhile Bobby was not well too. He had a few seizures and was getting weaker. But I was not ready to put him down. 

Eventually Bobby also passed away in September. I was still so heartbroken about my mother that I could not feel the full force of sadness for Bobby. 

In between I had a new staff whom I did not confirm her probation. What was complicated was that she was pregnant. When I told her I could not confirm her she was apologetic that she did not perform. I said I will help to get her maternity benefits. But my HR was the worst ever. In short things turned nasty and HR was the doubleheaded snake. My manager didn't understand and asked me why I didn't reach out. I couldn't tell him. I would have lost. 

I started to think what I want out of life. I reached my mid-career crisis earlier than should have been. I struggled big time, this was a topic that took three months to think about. I tried to look outside for another job, any job. Even considered quitting without a job first but that was too risky. At the end I decided to ask to step down and that was the best decision I've made in a long time. 

Looking back, I've come a long way since 2015. Learn from the pain, appreciate the people who love you and whom you love. Relax, take things easy. Forgive. Be happy.