1 month ago

One month ago at this time I received the call from my brother telling me that mother suddenly got very sick. I was in the bathroom, just finished changing my clothes for the night. And then I changed back to jeans and my green superman tshirt and rushed to the hospital. 

It's been a month. Just a month. But feels like ages. I still miss mother very much, everyday. Today Lucas was sick and didn't go to school, I also took leave to look after him. And I thought of a similar incident once and I dropped by mother's house with Lucas. 

I would have dropped by mother's place today too if she is still around. 

Come into my dreams one more time? 

25 days

Since mother's passing. 

Just came back from business trip today. Luis vomited just now during midnight. While sitting on the rocking chair waiting for him to fall back to sleep I thought of mother again. Many thoughts recently revolve around the hospital days. Perhaps because they are most recent. 

The other day I was thinking of how she would have felt if she knew that she would not go home anymore on the day my brother brought her to the GP and he recommended her to go to the hospital. 

Of course it's good that she didn't know. How sad it will be if she did. 

I also kept thinking of how she looked when the nurses opened the curtain after they have cleaned her up for us to say our goodbyes. And how she looked after they removed her tube and put on her dentures. How her head droops down the side and her mouth can't close which we suspected was due to the bottom dentures not placed properly. 

I also thought about whether she was in great suffering between the time Christine left and the time she collapsed. She was breathless, and was she terribly uncomfortable right before she collapsed?

When they tried to resuscitate her, I know medically she didn't come back. Did she suffer during this resuscitation? Were her ears still hearing what was going on? Did she hear us when we were saying our goodbyes?

Is a person's passing from Earth meant to be painful?

Look back

The night before mother was admitted to CCU, I shared a fishball kway teoh mee, no chilli, with my mum. As usual her appetite was small, even smaller after she had pneumonia. She asked me to eat first then she ate. I purposely didn't eat too much, said I'm full, so that she will eat more. And she did, and I thought, 'very good'!

Every time when I leave the hospital, I always look back and tell my mother a second bye bye. I was unsure when would be the last time I would see her. 

The last time I visited her was on a Saturday, two days before she passed away. I didn't talk much with her or do much with her. I sat on the chair for some time, I only spoke very shortly with her and I did not stay late. It was only a one hour visit. But I heard her voice that night for the first time after a week, because she had been intubated. And I told her that 'Ma, didn't hear your voice for a long time'.

I regret not spending more time with her. 

I regret not visiting her the day she passed away. 

I regret not having a last chitchat with my mum. 

I miss you so much, mother. 

Visited mother today

14 June 2015 Sunday

Today is 三七。

Visited mother with sister, Lucas and Ah Yee. Felt strangely happy to visit her. 

Actually the reason for the visit is not because of 三七. It's because I miss her. 

Sister bought all the goodies. I gave mother a muffin that I baked the night before. At the end of the visit we brought Ah Yee  for lunch at Tim Ho Wan. 

Bitter sweet feeling. 

Today I fly to Europe for test house visits. Felt strangely laid back. Brought back pack instead of feminine shoulder back. No heels, not even kitten ones. Forgot to bring Ang Bao from in laws. Feeling fat. Nothing's going very well. I still miss mother. Not so painful now. But still missing mother. 

I dreamt of mother

The night before yesterday. I think I did. 

I woke up in the morning, as usual thinking about mother. I thought about once when it was almost time for school and mother had not cooked lunch yet. So she asked me to go to the hawker centre to eat chicken rice. I was in primary school, and I was afraid to eat alone. So I asked my mother to go with me and eat together and she was so happy. 

Anyway when I thought of this then I realise that hey... I seem to have a recent memory of mother in my mind that's not from the past. Then it came to me that I dreamt of her during the night. 

It's funny... While I was dreaming about her everything was clear and vivid. When I woke up it was not so clear anymore. What I remembered was that I was able to touch her, her hands were not the same dried up and cold hands that I last felt when she was in the coffin. And I was aware of that in the dream. She seemed aware that she already passed away too. At some point in the dream she smiled and she was happy. I did not recall having any conversation with her. 

But I was happy. For some reason while I was driving to work and thinking of the dream, I broke down at the steering wheel. Maybe it's a form of relief? Or of something closing the loop? Because I never saw my mother on the day she died and I have always been asking mother to appear in my dreams. 

Moving on

I have moved on. The pain is not as intense and not as frequent. Over the weekend I missed going to the hospital to visit mother after Heguru class. But I was able to forget about mother at times and went to watch the SEA games with Luis. And to have dinner with friends. 

Is this the 'acceptance' part of grieve?

Today is a 1

On a scale of 1-10 where 1=very sad. 

Cried some yesterday, first started after my brother said he missed mother and called her number. 

Then I started a Remembering Mother' whatsapp group. Don't know what is the trigger but I was crying last night while lying in bed. 

And then again today when I saw the poem written by Desmond. 

This whole day I'm just down. Made my work even more unbearable. It's a 1.