Look back

The night before mother was admitted to CCU, I shared a fishball kway teoh mee, no chilli, with my mum. As usual her appetite was small, even smaller after she had pneumonia. She asked me to eat first then she ate. I purposely didn't eat too much, said I'm full, so that she will eat more. And she did, and I thought, 'very good'!

Every time when I leave the hospital, I always look back and tell my mother a second bye bye. I was unsure when would be the last time I would see her. 

The last time I visited her was on a Saturday, two days before she passed away. I didn't talk much with her or do much with her. I sat on the chair for some time, I only spoke very shortly with her and I did not stay late. It was only a one hour visit. But I heard her voice that night for the first time after a week, because she had been intubated. And I told her that 'Ma, didn't hear your voice for a long time'.

I regret not spending more time with her. 

I regret not visiting her the day she passed away. 

I regret not having a last chitchat with my mum. 

I miss you so much, mother.