NUH line

Taking the Circle Line to meet my sister at Jurong Point. 

Didn't expect the hesitation to take it just before I left office. Previously I took the Circle Line solely to visit my mother. Felt painful to take this line for anything else. 

But there was no taxi and now I am on the train. 

It's not that bad. Perhaps I am moving on. 

Hardly any tears today, the verge of crying didn't materialise into real tears. 

Back to usual, yet not usual

Today we go back to work. The usual. Getting on with life.
How is it that mother still lingers on my mind? I thought work will make that go away.
Sister said she missed going to the hospital after work. Me too, I am reluctant to tell my mother in law that I am going back for dinner. Refusing to accept reality. That mother is out of my life.
So we are meeting for dinner tonight.
How is it that I still feel like crying now?

怪怪的，痛痛的

今天按钱时不用按妈妈的家用。

今天上香时不用求释迦摩尼佛保佑妈妈。

心里怪怪的，痛痛的。

原来生活中有一些负担是快乐的负担。

没有了以后，怪怪的，痛痛的。

I miss my mother

My life's equilibrium is upsetted now. 

As if a puzzle is suddenly missing one piece.

As if someone punched my heart and it is giving me a dull ache everyday. 

Every morning when I wake up it feels the worst. 

Every day a little bit of tears. 

Every day a little sad, preferring to look down than to make eye contact with people. 

Where are you mother? Are you happily in your next world now?

头七

It's 10.54pm now and I'm lying on the bed with Nichole in my mother's house. Today is the 7th day, according to Chinese customs my mother will come back tonight. 

At first I was scared to come back. Then my brother in law wrote the below:

Then I truly understood. She's my mother. There's nothing to be scared of. So I decided to come and stay overnight.

We prepared this for her:

Pig trotter vinegar cooked by my brother. Her fav chicken rice from clementi. Other home cooked food we had today. Mother has a sweet tooth. Even after she had diabetes she still loves durian so of course we need to have it. My brother said before she had diabetes there were always soft drinks in the fridge. Now she doesn't have to worry so we bought Sprite for her. I used to go NTUC with her often when I was young. And she always liked to buy the chocolate bars at the counter. So my brother bought kitkat. And finally kitkat. 

We also cleared her room of the hospital memories. No more medication, Jevity, commode, walking frame. Only happy memories. We made her bed the usual mess that it was in. 

Hopefully my mother will come into my dreams and we can have the chitchat that we didn't have. 

It's over

This morning was the funeral. And we picked the bones in the afternoon.

Slept on and off for two hours when I reached home. It's usually worse when I just wake up. A dull ache in my heart. Tears ready to spring out.

Now it's over. I don't need to check my phone when I wake up to see if there is a bad update about my mother. I have received the call that I always prepared myself for. Without even realising it. 

My mother is gone. So fast, it happened on Monday night. Today is Friday night. It feels so long ago. But it only happened this week. On Monday my mother was still around. I was still planning to visit her on Tuesday. Today I don't need to spend my thoughts worrying about her on and off anymore. 

This dull aching...what do I do?

妈...

Thank you. 

I don't know if I'll ever get over the regret of not visiting you two days before you passed on. I try to tell myself that I spent a lot of time with you so those two days are no big deal. 

But we haven't had a decent chat. You were always on my mind those two days. When I have a pocket of time I kept thinking if I should visit you. But I told myself I'll take a short break and see you on Tuesday. But you have moved on. 

I am grateful that your death was quick. I hope it was not painful. I hope you were not quietly suffering for long.

Why didn't you ask for me to come? Did you know you were moving on? I don't blame you at all. I just have a small regret. 

But thank you, 妈。You are the strongest woman and you have been very important to me in my life. From you I learn strength. I started to appreciate you more after I became a mom. You have produced three good children. I hope you had a fulfilling last few decades and that we make you proud. Now is the time to rest and move on to your next milestone. I will always miss you. 妈。