Lucas at 5 years old

20th August 2015, Thursday, 10.53pm lying in bed with all lights off and Lucas sleeping next to me. 

When Lucas is approaching this age, I start to see him display some non-child characteristics. He can be meaner, deliberating hitting his brother when he fully knows it's wrong, saying things to make his brother cry (fav is "no mummy carry for you"), or just some hand gestures that are more stylo than cute. 

But he's still by and large a sweet little boy. He still loves his cloth and sleeps with one at night. At times he still puts his arm across my shoulder when he sleeps. He still enjoys playing with cars and trains and can become very engrossed in it. And best of all he's still a happy go lucky little boy. 

For some reason yesterday I felt that my baby is really starting to grow up and starting to leave boyhood. For the first time I told him a heartfelt 'Happy birthday'. First time not because I haven't said it to him before but because he could start to show that he can feel the happiness of being wished. Hb seems to feel so too, I guess he was listening in when driving. Soon after he asked Lucas to follow him to Limbang so he can buy a toy for him. I did not object, it's his birthday and daddy also wants to show his love and do some bonding with him. 

I love you Lucas. So much that I do not know if you will ever realise how much. Perhaps one day when you are a daddy you will understand. Grow up all

You want but importantly stay happy and healthy and kind forever. 

生命不怕苦，只怕你吃不了苦

Recently I am feeling down. HR berated me again. Read some of the below online and kept on reminding myself:


Busy is a choice.
Stress is a choice.
Happiness is a choice.
Choose wisely.


In every situation you make a decision. You can choose how you want to face it. You can choose to dwell, at times this is ok if it helps you to process it. But call it a day after sufficient dwelling. Choose to be positive.


Also when faced with new things:
If it's important, you will find a way.
If it's not important, you will find excuses.


There is almost nothing that is impossible. If you are afraid to do this or that, then perhaps you do not want it enough. It's not important enough. You are not hungry enough. Which is also not wrong, then don't do it! But if by not doing it you continue to feel down, then give it your all. Always go back to part 1 of making your choice wisely.


Finally:
生命不怕苦，只怕你吃不了苦.


如果沒有大浪衝擊，怎麼會有漂亮的浪花.

Get on with your life. Stop sulking.

Note: Above quotes are not from me! All taken from other sources online which I cannot remember, sorry!

Sucks to dismiss people

Totally sucks. I know it is worse for the person I am dismissing and I am not saying at all that what I feel is worse. But I just want to voice out, not to seek any understanding or sympathy from others, that this sucks.


I'm like a jerk. Upsetting other people's life and emotions. The other person is pissed. Of course will be pissed. If it's me of course I will be the same.


How do you gauge if you are doing what's right? What's right within what circle? In the circle of your managerial responsibility to the organization? Or in the circle of life in general?


Some might say this is what you have to do as a manager. Your responsibility is towards the organization.
But I remember a story of a fellow colleague. That she dismissed someone and she thought it was all amiable but the next week she came to know that he committed suicide. How do you live with this?


I don't want to live with such things. I don't want to give another dismissal if I can help it. Enough with it.