How did mother feel in her last days?

I never talked about it with her. We don't have that kind of relationship.


One day I was visiting mother at home. It was my turn to watch over mother. I asked her a few times if she wanted to go to the toilet. She said no. Then after a while she said yes. I brought her there. And then let's just say that she was not in time.


It occurred to me briefly, mother was probably embarrassed that she no longer had such basic controls. And she was reluctant to go to the toilet because she doesn't want to feel helpless. Or be embarrassed in front of her children.


Same for showering. She shooed me out after I helped her some.


Mother was a proud woman. She was fully independent just 2 months before she was in this state. She almost had no one to talk about such things with her. How do you accept yourself falling into such a helpless state in such a quick time?


Was this why she was different when she was sick the second time around? She seems to be more calm, but was I mistaken? That she was actually resigned? That she didn't want to be like this?


The day before she was admitted to CCU I visited her. The nurse was helping the patient in the next bed with her bowel movements and it stunk badly. I mentioned it to my mother but she smelt nothing. Is the loss of smell an indication of the end nearing?


Christine mentioned that mother stared at the ceiling for a long time during one of the visits. But she did not ask further what she was staring at. Was there another sign?


My cousin mentioned that on the day of mother's passing, mother was talking to her mahjong friends and said that she does not have to go through kidney dialysis anymore, forever. My cousin heard and felt it was weird but did not ask further. Did mother know? Or she didn't but she has given up her fight? Because she doesn't want to live her last days in the helpless state that she was in?


Mother's life was not long. But I am truly grateful that she was considered healthy and fully independent right till 3 months before she passed away. Many old people were bedridden for many years before they passed on. I am unable to imagine the quality of life or what they would rather have. Anyhow there is no need to speculate. If you are bedridden, see it as a gift that you get to spend more years with your family. If you leave the world early, see it as a gift that you had less suffering.


I didn't know how mother felt in her last days. I can only say that she was a brave and strong woman. And I am glad that she left the world with no worries. I cannot ask for more. I am grateful.

正能量

正能量


I heard this from my masseuse last Sunday. I think he was saying something about how stress can make the body condition worse and that it's important to have more 正能量.


Then I saw this word again on one of my friends' Facebook post. So it got me thinking.


正能量, it makes sense. When you have more of it, your life is happier, not just your body. When you have more of it, you are less moody, you are happier, and the people around you are happier too. It's total win.


I was moody for a few days since last week. Because of some employee termination issue that I screwed up. So bad that I cried when talking to my husband while sitting outside Lot One. I'm usually not someone who cries that openly. On another day, so bad that I was sitting and thinking moodily about it on bed one night and ignoring my children while they played on the bed. They wanted my attention and company yet I was just stoning there. And so bad that I was especially fierce to Lucas these two days. He's a sweet boy and he doesn't get angry because of how I treat him, but one day he will. And maybe he feels something too just that he did not react.


Therefore, 正能量.
Consciously tell yourself to have more of it. It's total win. Good for everybody, good for health. At the end of the day what is most important in life? What is it that you pray for everyday? Happiness, health, safety.

Terrible day at work

Last Friday I had a terrible end to my work week. I screwed up on an email reply and got scolded by HR. Rightfully so. But I was also upset.


Started to think about whether it is really necessary to terminate employees who do not perform. Perhaps it is not really necessary. These people that I terminate can keep employment in other companies. Perhaps the perception of hire and fire does not increase the competence of the team that much. Compared to keeping a stable team.


One of my friends on whatsapp said that he personally does not like to terminate employees who do not perform. He prefers to train them. What got me thinking was this - that loyalty and trust is more important than lack of capability. Really worth thinking. But your team members and the stakeholders must be able to accept this too, and there must not be major mistakes. This holds true for borderline cases. I have tried to keep an old employee for two years and towards the end there were enough mistakes such that the other section heads were also pushing to end his employment.


Also, started to think that I really dislike being a manager. No more termination. I'm sick of it. Each time I feel like an asshole. Perhaps no more being a manager. I'm not cut out for it. It sucks. I now clearly know that I prefer being an individual contributor.


Anyway, according to Buddha, "Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are, it depends on what you think." I try to remind myself this and get over how upset I felt.


Screw it. Go on with life. Stop sulking. Be happy.

How come?

I still think of my mother everyday. But I don't cry anymore. Yesterday I called my uncle to see if he dreamt of my mother. He said he dreamt of my mother wearing the clothes she wore while in the coffin and was walking around in OG.

And he also told me to continue chanting for my mother especially within 100 days. So I did, in the car on the way home. And I started to feel very sad and started crying as I chanted. 

Today on the way home I did the same and also was very sad and started crying. I miss her. 

And now sitting in the car in the carpark after I come back from the vet with Bobby. Because my eyes are all red from crying. I still regret not visiting my mother in the last two days before she died. I'm sorry. And I miss you so much. 

Flashback

I'm the one on the left wearing the White tshirt and maroon culottes. When I was young I only get one set of new clothes once a year. Because my mother can only afford to buy new clothes for me during Chinese New Year. 

I still remember that I felt embarrassed during primary six and later in seconday one as well, where I always wear the same clothes when I go out with my friends. Once I overheard my friend telling another friend,'see, she's wearing the same clothes again'. It hurt. Of course little kids don't know any better. But I can still remember the embarrassment I felt then. 

Teaches me to be humble though. 

Nip the problem in the butt

I know there is a problem. And I am afraid of the consequence. So I avoid talking about it. I thought by avoiding it then it will not be a problem. That the situation will be better. 

But I'm wrong. This is no way to live. I will talk about it. What will come will come. 

How do you un-dislike someone?

There's this person whom I dislike. So I am prejudiced against him. But I of course do not show this in front of him. I may have made it known to some others through the things I say.


These two days I saw him. And a question popped into my mind. How about I stop disliking him? Doesn't mean I have to like him. Just stop the negative feelings. It's good for general well-being, less negative thoughts, happier person. And makes me less stern.


So how do I do it? In the philosophy of Buddhism, I should "let go". So I shall tell myself this: Just let all the bad things that he has done go, there may be a reason why he is the way he is. Perhaps he cannot help it. Perhaps he is not aware of what he is doing. Perhaps he is clouded. Or perhaps he knows but still chooses to be the way he is. Who cares? None of my business. For myself just have good conscience, I do not need to harbor hatred or dislike for others. I shall start now.