Friday, 21 August 2015
Feeling as a failure
It just struck me, or I only just realised, that when I feel stressed from work, this feeling is so overwhelming that it stops me from having other feelings? It can consume me so much.
That day I received an email with 'points for discussion' as the subject title from my manager. After I read the content my emotions for the next two days has been set. The content is all about my failing as a manager and also tracking of a deliverable. I know what he is doing. He is starting to collect evidence of poor performance so that he can justify putting my performance as 'poor' at the end of the year.
How do I describe this feeling adequately? Many things are at play.
Last week in our bilateral I thought he was still trying to coach me so I told myself to buck up. It's disheartening to receive the email this week knowing that he already made up his mind.
And I am not used to being a failure. This is finally happening to me. I realised recently that many people who are classified as non-performers now were actually capable when they were younger. Why have they gone to the other side? One is because they did not evolve with the job requirements. The other is because they reached a position that is past their ability. I think I belong to the second group. I suck at being a manager. Some things I simply don't know that I have to do.
Anyhow I was already having a tough time closing my gaps. And to receive such an email now, fight or flight? I feel like flight. But can I flee? Can I afford it? I feel stressed because I know I can't afford it. So I have to fight? Seems that I don't know how. Or is it that I now fall into the first group?
I don't want to give my HR the satisfaction of putting me down. But I can't find a job in time to leave. I'm stuck. I should strategise. If the gaps are difficult to close, focus on strengthening other parts. Make these parts so good that as an average I can't be put down. HR is playing dirty, I hate it.
Yesterday I read something about not letting anyone put down your soul. Stand up for yourself. I shall stand up for myself.